My Beautiful Daydream

The harder they fall...

12/22/2017

Someone once told me that they held me on a pedestal. I’m not sure if he meant to impress me with that, but in reality, it scared me to death. I remember my response to him, “Please don’t.”

You see, if someone is held on a pedestal, she is looked at with awe, with great regard, almost with perfection. The thought of someone holding me in that space made me very uneasy. I’m human. I’m going to make mistakes. I’m going to quit things, change my mind, mess up. I’m going to hurt you, because humans hurt each other, even if they don’t mean to. I’m going to do something that breaks that image you have of me. I’m going to remind you that humans aren’t perfect.

And when those things happen, the person on the pedestal falls the hardest because they have the longest way to drop. The person holding up the other person experiences even greater disappointment because his image of perfection is being destroyed. He won’t be able to control the situation and mold me into the thing he believes I should be without me experiencing just as much pain and disappointment. And when his image of me shatters, he probably won’t stay because he hasn’t fallen in love with me at all, but instead some illusion of what he wanted me to be.

So please, don’t ever hold me on a pedestal. I am human. I will mess up. I will disappoint you. And that’s exactly how it should be. Hold me alongside of you, never above and never below. Walk with me, not ahead or behind. There will be times where we may walk out of step, but in the words of the great Bruce Springsteen,

“We swore we'd travel darlin' side by side
We'd help each other stay in stride.
But each lover's steps fall so differently,
I'll wait for you
And if I should fall behind
Wait for me.”

Search Within First

2/25/2017

This question came in from Jason in California:
Hi Kelli. I'm going through some rough times with the wife again. Just wondering if you have any advice for me. I tried everything, I've done everything. I go to mass. I take nice walks. I write thoughts. So I'm wondering if you have any positive advice to help me.

Hi Jason,
I’m sorry you are experiencing some pain right now. Life gives us all kind of experiences so we can feel the full range of human emotion. It really is a beautiful thing! Sometimes we lose sight of that while we’re in the pain, however.

I’ve heard it said that whenever we are disturbed by something or someone, it is usually some thing within ourselves that is the problem. I can’t give you advice, per se. But I know from my experience, when I have issues with people around me, I look for the answers within me. Is it my expectations that are out of line? Is it my behavior that is causing a negative response in them? Am I being understanding and loving? I usually find that somewhere, I am feeling pride, fear, etc. Maybe I’m not being honest and forthright with my feelings. Maybe I’m being too controlling, expecting those around me to behave in a certain way. I spend some time taking care of myself for a while - eating well, getting enough sleep, having fun in life, making sure my spiritual life is thriving. I try to find balance within myself.

One of my favorite quotes is this: “When I stopped living in the problem and started living in the solution, the problem went away.” Sometimes, I just need to start moving forward and stop dwelling on what’s keeping me down - even if I don’t feel like it. Things sometimes just take care of themselves :)

Unfortunately, sometimes relationships end or change. That’s a part of life too. We don’t always want them to, and we try to hold onto a relationship, expecting it to be as it always was. However, like life and everything in it, relationships change too. If you and your partner have expressed the pain points of these changes to each other and have tried everything in your power to grow the relationship into something new, and it still is not working, it may be time to have an honest conversation about the future of your partnership.

Remember, a relationship is a partnership. There is not one person making all the decisions. If something feels wrong to you, you must express it and give the other partner an opportunity to express themselves as well. Hopefully, you both are in a healthy enough place on your own to be able to honestly and lovingly address the state of the partnership and start working as a team to correct any issues.

That is why it is so important to take an honest look at yourself first - your health, your motives, your level of understanding. You want to make sure you are your best self before you try to tackle relationship problems.

All the best, my friend!

A Penny for a Vase

12/29/2016

A metaphor:

A mother and father owned a priceless heirloom vase they planned to give their young son when he was old enough to appreciate it. One day, they saw the young boy had his hand stuck in the neck of the vase. They pulled and pulled, but they could not get his hand out. Finally, they realized the only way to free the boy was to break the precious vase. They were devastated as they were forced to shatter the priceless gift.

When they were able to pull the boy's hand out, they saw it was clenched in a fist around something. That was why they could not get it back through the neck of the vase. Curious, they opened the boy's hand to see what had been so important that he wouldn't let go of. They peeled back his fingers to discover a bright shiny penny. The boy had seen the penny at the bottom of the vase and had reached in to pull it out. And because he didn't want to let go of the treasure he thought he found, he lost the priceless treasure meant for him.

Question: What are you holding onto that it's time to let go of? The Universe has a priceless treasure meant just for you. What bright shiny penny have you been desperately holding onto that is preventing you from receiving it?

From Clarence the Angel

12/24/2016

A great message from this silly angel on Christmas Eve. Thank you to all my friends, old and new, who remind me every day what love feels like. ❤❤🌲🎄☃

The Child Inside

12/16/2016

My daughter was recently telling me about the relationship she has with her boyfriend, that she can tell him anything, absolutely anything. She doesn't hold back. She is completely herself. I told her to treasure that. I am 38 years old and have never had that relationship with anyone. There are people that have come close to discovering all of me, but I always hold back something, some secret hidden part of me. Yesterday, I heard a woman talking about how she doesn't hide herself anymore. She lives her life totally transparently. There is a part of me that wants that. I crave that freedom terribly.

However, there is still such a big part that is hidden behind the wall I built around myself years ago. I believe it will be one of my ongoing battles, to slowly chip away at this stupid wall. It has protected me long enough, served its purpose long enough. It's time to be fully me, live transparently, not hold back, let free the hidden child that so desperately wants to come out and play. Of course discernment is important. I believe not everyone has the right to see me at my most vulnerable. Trust needs to be earned first. But I guess therein lies the struggle. Half of me wants to live transparently, while the other half hides behind the wall, evaluating if I can trust. It's a balance. Thanks for letting me get deeply personal here today. Maybe some of you can relate. How have you been able to tear down your walls to live more freely in the world?

The Tragedy of Life

12/15/2016

A friend of mine lost her daughter last night to an overdose. The day before that, another friend lost the father of her children. My sister, unfortunately, had to walk through both of those experiences a while back. The mother of a 13-year-old boy in my neighborhood is mourning the loss of her son to suicide yesterday. My heart is heavy today, thinking of death and loss. I remember, however, when my niece died, how my family pulled together. We are closer today then we ever have been. I also remember putting things in order, getting my priorities straight.

Small annoyances didn't mean anything to me. I just wanted to love people. Love them while they were here, while I was here. Put down any grudges. Forgive. I wanted to do things I'd never done before but always wanted to. I wrote a book. Time was all the sudden very important to me. I realized what a short time we all have. I realized I'd better get to living.

We all have our own beliefs about what happens after this life. But while we're here, let's live. Live fully, love fully, tell people what they mean to you, forgive someone, ask for forgiveness. Don't wait. Don't wait for any of it.

True Friends

11/24/2016

I've been blessed in my life to have friends (and sisters!) that have brought me back to life several times. They recognized my pain without me even having to say anything. When I said, "I'm fine," they said, "That's bullshit." They dug, they pried, they asked questions, they demanded honesty. They didn't give up. And in the process, they saved my life. They showed me what friendship is. They showed me what love is. And for that I'm truly blessed.

Tag a friend and say thank you!

Apologies

10/25/2016

“It's not a person's mistakes that define them. It's the way they make amends." - Freya North. You know, I feel pretty good about my ability and willingness to forgive people. I don't hold grudges, and I believe people change. Forgiveness comes relatively easy to me. However, it's the saying I'm sorry that I seem to struggle with. I think it's because I hold myself to an incredibly high standard, and when I fail, I take it very personally. I don't feel "I failed", but rather "I'm a failure." I'm working on this, however. People have come into my life to remind me that it's okay to make mistakes. It's how we handle these mistakes after they happen that is truly important.

Today, I try to follow the three rules of a proper apology - 1) I'm sorry; 2) It's my fault; 3) What can I do to make it right? - If I can follow these three rules, I give myself a great gift: the freedom of knowing I have taken care of my part. I do what I can to make things right again. I take the lesson of my mistake and hopefully don't repeat it. Then I let it go. It is up to the other person to forgive or not forgive. I can rest, knowing I've done my part, knowing that I may have failed, but I'm not a failure. I have a long way to go on this still. But I hope that as time goes on, and I learn more and experience safe places to be sorry, I can learn that it's okay to be wrong. Being wrong doesn't mean I'm a failure.

Loving My Inner Child

10/15/2016

I had a very powerful meditation last night. I went in with the intention to remember some things from my past that I have no memory of; anything that could be affecting my happiness and peace today. I expected to go back to my very young years to discover things people had done to hurt me. Instead, I was shown ways that I had hurt myself. I was shown my adolescence and young adulthood, when I had neglected my own needs, built an impenetrable wall around me, and lost touch with my feelings completely. I blotted out my life with drugs and alcohol and men. I let people treat me terribly. I always settled for 'less than' because I thought I was 'less than'.

While seeing this girl during my meditation, I was filled with love and compassion for her. I realized how fragile she was, and all the while she had tried to be so strong and brave, trying to convince herself that she couldn't feel the pain. My heart broke, and I cried and cried. I wrapped my arms around myself and told that broken teenager that I was so, so sorry. I told her that it's done; no longer will I neglect myself and my needs. No longer will I treat myself or LET myself be treated badly. I told her I will take care of her now. I will no longer settle for 'less than'.

***

I urge you, if you have never done a healing meditation for your inner child, to set aside some time to do it. It is one of the most cleansing, restorative, loving things you can do for yourself. I talk about how to do this in my new book. If you need additional help with it, contact me. Lots of love, friends!

Trust Love One More Time and Always One More Time

9/19/2016

I have found the more times I love, the more times I get hurt. Each time I have allowed myself to love deeply, there has been so much pain, anger, tears, and heartache. But there has also been joy, laughter, companionship, and lessons. So many lessons! I can't allow myself to be jaded. I don't want to close myself off to it. Love is scary. Any emotion that carries that much weight and power with it can be scary. With all the greatness love brings, the potential for an equal amount of pain is always lingering. But can I justify choosing safety over pure magic? Not if I want to experience life in all of its glorious colors.

So I must be open to trusting it again and again, risking the pain again and again, experiencing the ecstasy again and again. And until the time is right and the Universe decides to gift me with another love, I will love myself fiercely and become a woman who would deserve the kind of love I desire.